The Gospel: According to St. Rowan of Canterbury
Following Rowan Williams's criticism of Cameron's Big Society, Adrian Moss recounts the Gospel as likely perceived by the Archbishop of Canterbury
1. And so it came to pass that Jesus and his disciples grew near to that town of Bethany and did enter it and those that knew of Jesus gathered around him in the market place. By the fountain.
2. A man approached from the crowd carrying a beggar whose life he had saved and he did ask Jesus to bless the poor man.
3. Jesus spake thus: “You what?”
4. And the man repeated his request that Jesus bless the beggar so that he may find solace in his blessing and Jesus said unto him “Don’t worry about all that, get him down the benefits office. That’s what it’s for. They’ll make sure he gets his entitlement. It’s not the sort of thing you should get involved with.”
5. At this the crowd grew vexed and some of the disciples looked at each other and made the quizzical face.
6. And then a woman of mature age came from the crowd and touched the hem of his garment and asked that her work of great charity with the lepers outside the town walls be blessed by Jesus. And HE spake saying “That sort of thing should be left to the professionals. You’re wasting your time”
7. And the woman said “But we have had to do it as the professionals are on strike again”. But Jesus held his hand up to prevent her talking.
8. At this the disciples once again looked at each other in vexation.
9. And Jesus did look out at the crowd and did ask the multitude, “Why is it that you have come to see me?”
10. And a voice from the crowd said “It is because of the good work you do that does encourage us to do good works amongst the poor, and the sick and the infirm of mind and body. Your goodness is an inspiration to us”
11. And Jesus said “Don’t give me all that. The ruling bodies and those that govern and the tax collectors should do the good work; I just facilitate access”
12. Peter and Paul did baulk at this and Peter confronted Jesus saying unto him: “I thought we were supposed to encourage people to help each other and to spread the love of our fellow men and to do work of good charity?”
13. And Jesus looked at Peter and raised his eyebrows and said “You know what that is?”
14. And Peter shook his head for he did not know what it was.
15. Jesus looked about him and at the multitude as they left the square in their disappointment and replied unto Peter.
16. “Aspirational waffle”
Adrian Moss is a screenwriter and a chapter-contributor to "Prime Minister Boris and Other Things Which Never Happened..."
We are wholly dependent on the kindness of our readers for our continued work. We thank you in advance for any support you can offer.