Which kind of bottom feeder are you?
We all like to stand on our digital soapboxes, but where are we most likely to comment?
The web allows anyone to broadcast their opinion and it’s right at the bottom of the internet where the rest of us are given the daily luxury of reading them.
If you’re still not sure your voice is hitting the correct audience here’s a handy guide to pinpointing your best outlet. Here are four typical articles: from the options below simply pick the response nearest to that which you would consider submitting yourself:
1) This newspaper article is about sustainable energy subsidies.
a) EUSSR LibLabConspiracy. Howl. Mass non-white immigration. Vote UKIP.
b) Energy policy is in the hands of an evil cabal of old Etonians and banker scum.
c) The wind doesn’t blow much, we have enough coal. We used to have enough power before the last shower of filth screwed it all up.
d) Has anyone seen my camel?
2) The newspaper article is about the possibility of an EU referendum.
a) EUSSR Treason. Disinter Heath. Hang him. Quisling Cameron. Vote UKIP.
b) Anyone who thinks the EU is undemocratic and corrupt can only be a lick-spittle, ring-wing reactionary who has slaves as servants.
c) When, oh when, will they listen to the voice of the common man? That human rights health and safety nutcase, not in my day it wasn’t, ooh no.
d) Bilderberg group and the leeches are in the pottery. Blip. Wibble.
3) This newspaper article is about youth unemployment.
a) LibLabCon. Mass immigration. Polish scum. Idle youth. Vote UKIP.
b) The noble youth are paying the price for the arrogant old-Etonian rich pushing their faces into the dirt - how much more of these dreadful cuts can we take you banker scum?
c) The young today? Don’t get me started, once we had jobs that demanded respect; I started at 13, did 16 hours a day including Christmas; if they only had some guts and got off their arses.
d) The Queen is actually a Japanese prisoner of war being kept in captivity by aliens from Penge.
4) From the Lifestyle section: a photo story about Sicilian inspired picnic-basket snacks.
a) Mass immigration. Quisling Cameron. Bark. Howl. EUSSR. Vote UKIP.
b) Meat is murder, typical imperialist rape of cultural ideas.
c) Whatever happened to pickled eggs and a proper pork pie with a good amount of jelly?
d) I…am…a…treeeeee….see me blow… in the wind….
Mostly As– you spend 18 hours a day screaming at the pages of the online Telegraph. You find it physically demanding but terribly exciting. You are desperate to be a UKIP MP but in your heart-of-hearts you know that your agoraphobia and paranoia would only get you as far as the rhododendrons before you had to run back inside. Which is a shame. In your mind only you can save Surrey. Luckily, neither condition stops you from spending 6 months of the year in Spain.
Mostly Bs– you work in Local Government middle-management and therefore have plenty of time to spend all day on CiF on the Guardian website, spitting bile and venom at anyone who has the temerity to disagree with you. You’ve been a vegetarian for life (in public that is), and you keep a lot of disagreeable cats. You still don’t understand the difference between the Judean Popular Front and the People’s Front of Judea and you’re afraid to ask. You love Polly Toynbee but you don’t understand irony. Ironically.
Mostly Cs– your life has been revolutionized since your granddaughter bought you that laptop and showed you how to use it. Although you read the Daily Mail in its newsprint form from 8 ‘til 11, you’ll then have a nice cup of Nescafe and spend the rest of the day writing sensible comments on the Mail website and chasing away next-door’s cats from the bird-table. Silly bitch – why does she have so many of the bloody things?
Mostly Ds– you’ll write for any site that doesn’t delete your posts. You have a selection of tin foil hats and a UFO radar in the airing cupboard. You know that Blair was an alien life form. You are fastidious with hand cleanliness. Unlike candidate A, you really are a UKIP PPC - hand selected from a long-list of one by ‘the Committee’. You’re pretty certain all those cats at number 14 are aliens. Watching you. Continually watching you. Bastards…
Adrian Moss is a Contributing Editor to The Commentator and a screenwriter and chapter-contributor to "Prime Minister Boris and Other Things Which Never Happened..."
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