It’s time to hit ‘reset’ on the Coalition government
Anagrams of "coalition government" are in fact some of the best ways to describe this Cameron-led, chimeric catastrophe
A bit of wordplay leads me to realise that anagrams of "coalition government" are in fact some of the best ways to describe this Cameron-led, chimeric catastrophe that we see unraveling before us.
For instance, much has been made of the perilous backbenchers that have thwarted government plans for Lords Reform and insist upon an EU referendum. Cameron’s attempts to "tame [the] violent crooning", which is the mood music for this government, has so far been unsuccessful. What he perhaps thought was regular, docile protestation has led to a serious public questioning of his ability to lead.
Mr. Cameron may even have referred to his deputy, one Mr. Nick Clegg, as a "not congenial vomiter" after the scuppered Lib Dem plans for Lords Reform were tossed out. Informatively, Tories are now prone to "vomiting on tolerance" when it comes to the best laid plains of their cabinet colleagues – a stratagem pioneered by the Liberal Democrats in the first instance.
So what now? A reshuffle looks the only way to keep away the baying media and public. That’s right. After recent defections or "emotional converting", it seems the only way to stem the tide is indeed to hit the reset button.
This may involve purging the highest of authorities from their posts, including the likes of George Osborne ("Gloom, innovative cretin!"). But a reshuffle will have to be well calculated, not simply a "governance mini lotto" but in fact a wholesale restructuring of the cabinet.
Arguably those who should move aside include George Osborne, Teresa May, Andrew Lansley, Caroline Spelman and Jeremy Hunt. Yes – all Tories. The likes of Michael Gove, Iain Duncan Smith and the literal outsider David Laws should be viewed upon as a kind of "nonmagnetic love trio" – that is to say they’re not particularly appealing to the general public, but their abilities and achievements result in success and plus points for the government in the eyes of the public.
The Prime Minister however, may try to shore up his standing with his backbenchers another way. We saw it happen last year. His bulldog-like stance in Europe led to cheers in the following 1922 Committee meeting. This "mongrel, inaction veto" has probably run its course however. It’ll take more than "romantic, lone vetoing" to win around his party again.
So its time for Cameron to crack out the "government action oil" and start lubricating the coalition, if it is indeed to last. Otherwise, it may be time to employ some "coal event monitoring" as the fires continue to be stoked by the smiths who would bring down this government. If not, that "lame, conniving tooter" named Miliband may well be our next Prime Minister.
Raheem Kassam is the Executive Editor of The Commentator and tweets at @RaheemJKassam
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