Pious? Moi?

With squillions in the bank and a sense of self-esteem that even Jesus would find immodest, Anthony decided to "serve" with the Liberal Democrats

The Liberal Democrats were a safe choice for Anthony
Adrian Moss
On 2 August 2012 08:52

Anthony made his money in the City. A few deals, a few words in the right ear, a merger here, an acquisition there and then Big Corp came along and bought his business. Before he could blink he was worth squillions and still only 40.

So what to do? Retirement wasn’t an option; Anthony is frankly horrified by his own company and golf and fishing bore him to tears. With full belief in his own massive capabilities and a sense of self-esteem that even Jesus would find immodest, Anthony decided to "serve".

But who would be the lucky party that would benefit from his wonderful talents? He began the process in the same way he used to analyse the markets.

Labour at that time were in power but Anthony knew that the pendulum would swing, so they were ticked off the list. The Tories were bouncing back but had a big pool of talent to choose from – he would simply have no chance of rapid advancement there, so they too were ticked off the list. The Lib Dems were therefore the party that Anthony chose to honour and bless with his membership.

As his predictions proved correct so Anthony’s star has been in the ascendant. Never one for holding back, his standing in the party is high and his future looks positive. The punters down in the Devon constituency love him to bits, mainly because he throws such great parties and they do like to see their boy on telly. (And Anthony simply loves being on telly).

As a principle-free zone, he had no trouble sucking up the rather odd policy smorgasbord of the party. He’s as Green as a cucumber, he’s a civil libertarian, he’s a passionate pro-European and he cares deeply, so very, very deeply, for the poor and the weak.

Not that he believes in any of that guff of course; the only thing he deeply believes in is the undisputed beauty of his own voice.

Luckily he is a natural performer and can squeeze every drop of emotion from his frequent interviews; he bitterly attacks anyone who has the temerity to disagree with him and snidely manages to brief against anyone he sees as a threat on his own side.

Anthony doesn’t just deliver passionate bleatings from the moral high ground, he owns the moral high ground and fights tooth and nail to ensure that no-one else strays onto his property.

He managed to ride out the expenses storm with some real luck. Despite having more money in the bank than the GDP of some African countries Anthony still felt it appropriate to claim as much as he could. His flipping was of Olympic standard and the receipts from his frequent First Class travel to the Caribbean on dubious fact-finding missions were, thankfully, mislaid. It was a tight time alright but somehow he got away with it.

With a loyal wife he’s learnt to despise, and houses and flats in Hampshire, Chelsea, Paris and Edinburgh, Anthony is frequently absent from the marital home during the year and opportunities to indulge in his rather alarming sexual proclivities are significant and far-reaching.

Very much like the proclivities themselves.

Adrian Moss is a Contributing Editor to The Commentator and a screenwriter. The above is an extract from "MPs: A Spotter's Guide" - A humorous and scurrilous compilation of portraits of 48 different MP archetypes highly likely to be spotted hanging around the Westminster postcode, to be published this autumn. The content is satirical and the MPs are completely fictional creations…

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