The Politics Olympiad 2013 - Team GB news

The Moscow 2013 Politics Olympiad is now just a few short months away. Today we look at the GB squad members and their possible chances

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Team GB - going for gold
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Adrian Moss
On 14 August 2012 16:48

The Moscow 2013 Politics Olympiad is now just a few short months away. Today we look at the GB squad members and their possible chances.

DUBIOUS MATHEMATICS (HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION)

With a Gold from the last two Olympiads, veteran Gordon Brown has decided to forgo what would have been an almost automatic selection preferring instead to be considered for a different sport (see below).

Into his place comes a new face for this event, Ed Balls (Morley Harriers). Ed, one of the public school educated members of the squad, is widely predicted to be one of the favourites for a medal, and, if he keeps his nerve, the long and intensive months of training he’s put in for this event will bear fruition.

He really is enormously talented in all aspects of the discipline.

OUR PREDICTION: A nailed-on Gold.

LIGHTWEIGHTS

After many years in the wilderness in this event the current crop of GB Politicians have found a specialism in which they can shine.

We really do have an embarrassment of riches for the Lightweight Competition but the selectors have spoken and the three outstanding Lightweights of their generation who will be representing the UK are: Sayeeda Warsi from Dewsbury, Caroline Spelman (Solihull), and Andy Burnham (Leigh).  

Caroline Flint (Sheffield) is unlucky enough to be reserve yet again and the Bercows are serving a ban.

OUR PREDICTION: Highly unlikely we’ll come away without at least two medals. If Burnham returns to his form from last year then we can possibly grab all three, and I have a sneaking feeling he could yet sneak Gold from Spelman.

LONG DISTANCE PIOUSNESS

As we all know this has been a GB dominated sport for a long time with Britain’s most decorated Olympiad veteran, Lord Ashdown, beating all-comers for many years.

We’re pleased to report that the new team looks pretty unstoppable too although the hot favourite and current UK record holder Chris Huhne is currently indisposed which is a real shame.

Despite his loss to the squad the replacements, Simon Hughes from Bermondsey and Nick Clegg (Sheffield), have made some truly impressive strides in recent months and look a very good bet to be on the podium next year.

OUR PREDICTION: With piousness like this the rest of the world had better look out. At least a silver, probably more.

INDIVIDUAL INCOMPETENCE MEDLEY

With the old squad retiring after the last Olympiad, things were looking quite bleak for team GB in the Incompetence Medley up until about a year ago.

New boy Ed Milliband (Doncaster) looked to be making significant progress for a while and we’re pleased to report that he still makes the squad although George Osborne (Tatton), looked mightily impressive in trials earlier this year.

We’re pleased to report that there is still a place for Vince Cable from the Twickenham Club and he is looking a very good bet to get through to the finals.

OUR PREDICTION: As soon as the mighty trio of Hodge, Harman and Beckett retired we thought our potential in this event looked very poor. How wrong we were. Definitely medal chances here.

GRECO-ROMAN FINANCE

Whilst we have some major hitters in the squad with a plethora of fabulous talent from both the Coalition and the Opposition, it now seems unlikely we’ll be sending a team.

The European teams from Greece, Spain and Italy look to have this event at their mercy and the new European and World records they smashed earlier in the year have made this event almost an impossibility in which to compete seriously.

Having said that, Alex Salmond (Aberdeen), may just squeak in through the qualifying rounds and we wish him our best.

OUR PREDICTION: The Greeks probably have this one sewn up but wild-card entry Salmond has oodles of skill and imagination and cannot be discounted.

TRUTH WRESTLING

Another event at which we tend to dominate – although the French have been catching up rapidly in recent years.

No Campbell and Mandelson this time round, which is a shame, though their legacy still remains as simply the best Truth Wrestlers of their generation.

All is not lost though. Gordon Brown (Fife) has moved on from his domination of the Dubious Mathematics arena and now makes a bold play for this event. His performance at the Levenson Senior Squad Trials earlier in the year was an absolute masterclass and the rest of the world had better look out.

OUR PREDICTION: With his enormous talent and mature experience I wouldn’t be at all surprised if we’re cheering Brown home with yet another Gold medal round his neck. (That is of course if he doesn’t sell it before he gets to the airport).

Adrian Moss is a Contributing Editor to The Commentator and a screenwriter

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