Christopher Bryant's school report

No idea how Adrian Moss found it, but here's one of Chris Bryant's old school reports...

by Adrian Moss on 13 August 2013 22:33

Chris Bryant's school report, to be taken with a very large pinch of salt...

 

SCHOOL REPORT

TERM: MICHAELMAS

PUPIL: CHRISTOPHER JOHN BRYANT.                                                                              

FORM: VB

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ENGLISH: His creative writing is quite superb although he does tend to favour producing material bordering on complete and utter fantasy. His non-fiction work is alarmingly error-ridden and suffers from insufficient research and a complete lack of checking. Must improve.

GEOGRAPHY: I wish Christopher’s world was the same as the real one we have actually been trying to study this term. His knowledge of his own country is quite appalling and his knowledge of others borders on the surreal.

BIOLOGY: His exam result was bearable.

HISTORY: Whilst no doubt a bright child Christopher’s work suffers from embellishment, exaggeration and what I can only describe as the blatant denial of any facts he finds disagreeable. This attitude will not do him any favours in the outside world.

CHEMISTRY: Lab still intact. Expectations exceeded.

PHSYSICS: Finds it very hard to grasp facts. Likes to argue with basic principles. Hard to argue with gravity, though he does try, somewhat pointlessly in my opinion.

MATHS: Cannot seem to appreciate the difference between numerate entities - other than that, quite bizarre. Example: “If a man has an income of £1,000 and spends £1,050, express his overspend as a percentage”. Christopher’s answer? “In section 11(2)(b) (no clients’ contributions by persons in receipt of certain benefits), for the words after “receipt of” substitute “ income support or an income-based jobseeker’s allowance (payable under the Jobseekers Act 1995), ”.

RE: Ah. Bless him.

ART: Fixated with taking pictures of himself. Needs to focus.

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FORM MASTER’S COMMENTS: 

Infuriating. His appearance at the Debating Society meeting last week summed up his attitude completely. Having proposed the motion extremely poorly he then violently argued against it and lost his temper when this was pointed out to him. He then summed up by extolling the virtues of granola.

I sincerely hope he has a pleasant holiday; by Christ I know I need one.

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