False Start: Britain's not ready for the Olympics

Could someone be a sport and postpone the Olympics please? Britain is far from ready.

Austere: The Olympic stadium is rather underwhelming
On 13 September 2011 09:14

Next year hundreds of the world’s most remarkable athletes will gather in some of the world’s most unremarkable stadia to celebrate and take part in the 30th Olympiad in London. It will be a very British affair.

Suffice to say the event will likely not go off with a bang, as the fireworks will likely flop. The closing ceremony will doubtless be marred by the fact that some cheeky chappy tried to sneak a Union flag in with him and it all kicked off with the PC-brigade.

Of course this will be in no way as embarrassing as the delay of the opening ceremony due to flight delays coming into Heathrow. Forty-percent of Olympic Committee themselves will be detained by the UK Border Agency under universal jurisdiction laws while the whole of the Russian women’s hammer throw team will be arrested and charged for the murder of Alexander Litvinenko.

For three weeks the London Underground (Tube) will basically be rendered useless due to immense overcrowding and hourly bomb scares. Authorities will be forced to use implement Oystercard slides’ rather than stairs and escalators to expedite the descent from street level to platform. Despite this there will somehow still be fifty tourists blocking the gate by trying to put their credit cards in the old paper ticket receptacles.

British counter-terrorism police will be embarrassed when they wrongfully arrest ‘Wenlock’ and ‘Mandeville’, the Olympic mascots, for wearing obstructive headgear near the changing rooms of the French archery team. As if French archers didn’t have enough to worry about.

Of course the Palestine Solidarity Campaign will attempt to conduct citizens’ arrests of the Israeli air rifle men... you figure out how that one will end. Meanwhile Baroness Tonge and Jeremy Corbyn MP will enter on behalf of the Palestinian Authority – being careful only to take part in the sailing event and naming their vessel the ‘New Mavi Marmara’.

Finally we can expect a major diplomatic incident as while protesting the London 2012 logo for its similarities to the word ‘ZION’, the Iranian hammer throw team will be ‘accidently’ fired upon by a raucous United States shooting team insisting they mistook the Iranian flag for ‘target practice’.

So there you have it. My urgent call to the Olympic Committee to delay the 2012 London Olympics until oh say, 2060, should be heeded. We haven’t even touched upon the impending clashes between the ‘English Defence League’ and the ‘Muslims Against Crusaders’, who will both inevitably read the invitation for the opening ceremony incorrectly and turn up in Stafford waving Hamas flags and St. George’s crosses emblazoned with the phrase ‘En-ger-lund’.

As I said... it’ll be a very British affair.

Raheem Kassam is the Executive Editor of The Commentator and tweets at @RaheemJKassam

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