Alex Salmond is wanted in Pyongyang

With the passing of Kim Jong-Il, is Alex Salmond a wanted man in Pyongyang?

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It's goodbye once and for all from Kim Jong-Il
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Tom Gallagher
On 19 December 2011 13:58

A policy memorandum discussing what kind of foreign help might consolidate the rule of the 3rd member of the Kim family to rule North Korea mysteriously found its way to a foreign embassy in Pyongyang....

Comrades,

‘Two rare Giant Pandas, Tian Tian and Yang Guang are thrilling visitors to Edinburgh Zoo. Scotland’s leader, Alex Salmond has cleverly marketed the country as an exotic and rebellious land impatient with being a vassal in a fading multi-national state. It was such PR that persuaded the Chinese to lend two of these rare creatures to Edinburgh; the Zoo is indeed just a short walk from Beijing’s diplomatic mission, unusual in its size for a country that is not even a sovereign state.

Perhaps Scotland could be persuaded that now there is an opportunity to offer some recompense for this generous gesture? We in North Korea are authentic Communists unlike the rhetorical ones who are in command next door.

An emotional people like the Scots cannot stand by and be impassive to our sorrow on the news that our Dear Leader, Kim Jong-Il has been robbed of life. His son and designated heir, Kim Jong-un is not yet thirty and still unused to being an absolute ruler. Since storming to power in Scotland four years ago, Alex Salmond has displayed no such reticence. In an age of anaemic European leaders who flee from the citizens, Salmond is a bombastic leader who lusts after the adulation of the crowd.

He has most of the credentials to be an ideal Regent in Pyongyang, enabling the junior Kim to be his understudy, learning how to bend the masses to his will. He is implacable and fearless in the face of seemingly stronger enemies. Since seizing the reins of power in 2007, he as staged numerous confrontations with his tyrannical southern neighbour over money, oil, sport, university fees, and now the future of the Euro.

His brilliance as a propagandist is shown by the way in which he retains the love of the masses even though his support for the Euro threatens Scotland with some of the tough economic conditions that have unfortunately made life hard for many in North Korea.

His fulminations against the Cameron junta and frequent ultimata about the dire consequences that will occur if Scotland’s reasonable desires are not accommodated, have finally got him and his little country the notice they deserve.

Time magazine has just devoted a fulsome profile of Scotland’s Dear Leader. The Queen of Britain who by devilish manoeuvring has kept her crown and her head, now recognises the special qualities of her revolutionary subject. At her favourite palace, Balmoral, she offers him a palatial bedroom and not the broom cupboard that ministers from London have to be content with.

There is no need to be alarmed by his familiarity with a royal relic from feudal times. Scotland is ripe for a revolutionary movement of the kind that has made North Korea an object of awe the world over.

Comrade Salmond has transformed the civil service into a campaigning tool for his Scottish National Party. So mesmerising a leader is he that no electrodes or sleep deprivation has been needed in order for the chief of the Scottish civil service, Sir Peter Housden to turn into an evangelist for liberation nationalism. In October he even extolled the merits of a play depicting the devastation the English foe caused in medieval Scotland, urging his officials to go and see it as ‘it does generally speak to our condition as a nation’.

Comrade Alex’s revolutionary elan has obliterated warnings that Scotland will face a bleak and uncertain future if his bold plans succeed to re-establish the progressive state that astonished 17th century Europe with its levels of literacy and pursuit of heretics and witches .

Kim Jong-un can find no better mentor in these challenging times; Scotland’s resources are hardly any greater than North Korea’s and it is tormented by months of rain and plagues of stinging insects known as midgies during the occasional dry periods.

Salmond has energised an entire people. Glasgow, in the hands of counter-revolutionary Labour Party for decades, defected to the SNP this spring. The inhabitants of Scotland’s largest city have become notorious for their unhealthy diet and over-reliance on the local alcoholic products. Yet Alex salmond and the puritanical maiden, Nicola Sturgeon whom he has designated his political heir, are working hard to convert the people of Glasgow to an ascetic lifestyle that will make it once again a city of revolutionary renown.

Dear Korean comrades, robbed of our glorious Leader Kim Jong-Il, the future suddenly seems uncertain. But deliverance could be at hand if we use the services of this talented agitator able to instil in a young man born to greatness the arts of militant defiance.

Scotland may be so small that we have to search hard in our atlases to find it. But remember, it was our eastern lands, sunk in what Marx, during a rare lapse, called Oriental despotism, that lit the revolutionary flame for the world.

Comrade Alex, who is rocking the London junta to its foundations, could be what is needed to school our young leader in revolutionary ardour.  The nationalist spirit has kept our revolutionary cause alive in the face of constant plots and conspiracies. The time is ripe to school our young ruler in the arts of intransigent nationalism and remarkably it is in this little land of Scotland that our best teacher is to be found’.  

Tom Gallagher is the author of The Illusion of Freedom Scotland: Under Nationalism, published in 2009 and re-published earlier this year

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