The New Commandments

As Britain moves from the sacred to the secular a Government working group commissioned in 1999 has finally put forward its recommendations

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It seems the state can't keep its nose out of our business
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Adrian Moss
On 20 December 2011 09:54

As Britain moves from the sacred to the secular a Government working group commissioned in 1999 has finally put forward its recommendations.

1.      Thou shalt not eat crisps, nor sugar, nor chocolate, nor meat of artificial construct, and neither shall thee imbibe of carbonated drinks, lest it be Perrier, nor shalt thou let thy offspring consume such evil lest it affect their schooling; which the leaders are unable to improve with other measures.

2.      Thou shalt measure everything and everything shalt thou measure. Every action, every deed, every thought shalst thou measure, and place against targets of academic construct so that the leaders of men can converse with truth, unless the measurements be not what the leaders wish to hear and thus can be mediated to form a better truth.

3.      Thou shalt not smoke. Ever. Anywhere. Hear this well. Death is to be feared more than life is to be enjoyed. And that goes for any other pleasure which displeases the leaders of men, yea, and their quack focus groups. Particularly wine. Wine is very bad.

4.      Thou shalt not hunt lest it be a cruelty to the hunted: thou dost not see the eagle, nor the wolf, nor the shark in the sea wearing pink and riding a horse, and so must it be with you. And that goes for any other pleasure which displeases the leaders of men, yea, and their focus groups.

5.      Thou shalt recycle, even if it takest several hours to work out what goes where. All the earth and its living things canst be saved by thou living in darkness and cold and squalor.

6.      Thou shalt surrender up half of your wealth, half of your possessions and half of your worldly goods, so that those leaders who create the statutes may prosper, and prosper well.

7.      Thou shall not be elitist. Elitism is wrong. The child of great mind shall be schooled with the child of poor mind, and no school shall have a congregation of great minds nor success nor potential, unless it be of a sporting or artistic nature; in which case that sort of elitism is really quite OK but not the other sort. The other sort is elitist.

8.      Thou shalt not glorify the massacre of the innocents within the last two score years unless the massacres were caused by people we now do business with. Thou cannot know which massacres were the good massacres and which were the bad massacres but the leaders will amend the chronicles accordingly.

9.      Thou canst not be assumed to have the power of the mind to make decisions nor direct thy own way nor shield thyself nor thy family from the dangers of the world without a detailed risk assessment. Thy mind is simple and sparse. Listen to thy leaders, their wisdom is great and their desires are thy commands and thou must obey.

10.    Thou canst covet thy neighbour’s ass and his goods and possessions; coveting is good. Coveting ensures a retail sector of much strength based on usury, which is also good.

Adrian Moss is a screenwriter and a chapter-contributor to "Prime Minister Boris and Other Things Which Never Happened..."  He Tweets at @akmoss

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