Next year's news

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Look no further, next year's news stories are right here
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Adrian Moss
On 30 December 2011 12:15

Remember. You read it here first.

JANUARY - GREECE FALLS

At 03:00 on January 14th, Greece returns to the Drachma. There is livid outrage amongst the 3.3 million people on the Greek civil service payroll - particularly amongst the 750,000 who actually exist.

Robert Peston’s tongue leaves him, instigating an acrimonious divorce.

FEBRUARY - CAMERON LEAVES CLEGG IN BRUSSELS

As a way of stopping the incessant whining, David Cameron takes the DPM to Brussels to act as an observer at the Emergency summit but forgets to bring him back. Clegg is last seen wandering around the shops at Brussels airport with a large Toblerone and a big brave boy smile.

MARCH – UNEMPLOYMENT FALLS

653,000 jobs are created by the Private sector in the first quarter; the news is accompanied by massive rejoicing up and down the land when it transpires that, amazingly, 18 of the jobs were actually taken by British born workers. “Magnificent effort. Just rejoice”, says Cameron.

APRIL - ED BALLS EXPLODES

Due to a strange combination of quantum physics and resonance theory Ed Balls’ manic jiggling up and down and his repetitive hand gestures cause him to explode during PMQs. Showing the quick thinking for which he is famed, Ed Milliband blames the incident on the Government being out of touch. As usual Cameron wins the session by a distance.

MAY - CABLE RESIGNS

Vince Cable at last resigns from the Cabinet on ‘a matter of principle’. His 400 page letter of resignation is completely incomprehensible and impossible to précis, so the broadsheets lead with the story of a cat up a tree. FTSE rises 10 percent. Resultant parties go on well into June. Beginning of popular saying “Vince who?”

JUNE - NUMBER OF QUANGOS RISES

“They’re sprouting like bloody mushrooms”, admits Eric Pickles. “I just don’t understand it”. Neither the NEFRC, the NGTTA, the FSCCR nor the NHGTRSA can explain the phenomenon. Chris Huhne is eventually found to be Chairman of 98 of them.

JULY - LABOUR RE-SHUFFLE

As MPs relax on the beach and rub Ambre Solaire into the skin of whoever is within touching distance, Ed Milliband puts the final touches to his re-shuffle. No-one notices.

AUGUST - OLYMPICS SEES IMMIGRATION LEVELS SOAR

Despite having to sell Prince Andrew and the Lake District to Qatar to pay the final bill, the event is a great success. 3,566 athletes claim political asylum and are given the entire Olympic village as emergency housing. Lord Coe reported to be ‘over-the-moon’ with prospects of British team for 2016.

SEPTEMBER  - ED MILLIBAND RESIGNS; CHANGES MIND

After a 3-hour speech during which an estimated 60 percent of ‘Conference’ stay in the lunch bar, Ed Milliband finally resigns. No-one notices. The week following the conference the National ‘Exekative’ Council look at the likely successors and then race up to North London to ask Ed to reconsider.  He does. No-one notices.

OCTOBER - OCCUPY COLCHESTER FAILS

Unwillingly adopted by the 2nd Battalion The Parachute Regiment, all 46 members of occupy.clstr are forcibly removed and transferred to a modest tented city in Khandahar province, generating understandable confusion and some unfortunate consequences.

NOVEMBER - MET OFFICE PREDICT SEVERE ARCTIC WINTER FOR UK

Temperatures subsequently soar during the mildest, driest winter since records began.

DECEMBER – JOURNALISTS GO ON HOLIDAY

Broadsheets and weekend supplements re-publish tired and dull articles about party dresses, in-vogue table decorations and Tuscany sprout recipes, all originally written in 1994. As they have done for the last 18 years. 

No-one notices. 

Adrian Moss is a screenwriter and a chapter-contributor to "Prime Minister Boris and Other Things Which Never Happened..."  He Tweets at @akmoss

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