Politically correct ways to wipe your bottom? Indoctrination of two-year olds? Only in the Guardian
The Left does not have a monopoly on self-delusion but Guardian readers have a pretty big share of the market
Oh dear. When the Guardian runs an op-ed headlined: “My baby's not a Christian or a Muslim. She's a Guardian reader” you know there’s going to be some fun to be had. Nothing will ever surpass a piece they ran in March 2009 against toilet paper under the subheading: “Using tissue after you've been to the loo is bad for the planet. Washing is the greener option – and it's more hygienic too.”
As plenty of us commented at the time, only the Guardian could run an op-ed saying there’s a politically correct way to cleanse your derriere.
Saturday’s offering comes a close second though. In fact, it starts off being substantially less ludicrous than the title suggests. Though by the time you learn that the author’s daughter is two (!) you’ve well and truly entered the twilight zone.
“I can't quite say that my two-year-old is a Guardian-reading child (although she is very advanced),” says the author, Charlotte Simpson, “but I certainly plan to bring her up as one. Children's capacities for moral thought need to be stimulated when they're tiny. If I keep my values from her until she's 18 then I'll leave her exposed to mobs and ideologies that are driven by hatred, ignorance or vested interests.”
Oh right. Except that serving “mobs and ideologies that are driven by hatred, ignorance or vested interest,” is one of the Guardian’s specialities.
As far as we can see, it is practically a world leader in offering platforms on its op-ed pages for apologists for the gay-hating, women-hating, democracy-hating, America-hating political-religious ideology of Islamism.
No mainstream newspaper in the English speaking world can rival it as a purveyor of hatred and deligitimisation of Israel, a state that just happens to be Jewish.
At the 20th anniversary of the fall of communism in Eastern Europe it was running op-eds in support of the likes of Communist East Germany – a regime that gunned down people merely for trying to leave the country, sometimes leaving their bullet ridden bodies, dripping with blood and hanging off the barbed wire at the Berlin Wall.
We could go on, and on, and on.
As for vested interests, it’s little better than a propaganda machine for the trade union movement and the welfare state.
But this has all passed Ms. Simpson by. Not to be deterred, she even dreams of handing over our schools to the Guardian:
“I'd love to send my daughter to a Guardian-readers' academy but until I find one I'll probably make do with the local [Church of England] school. I'd rather she came home inspired by the teachings of Jesus than by some watery code of responsible citizenship drawn up by a committee of civil servants.”
But if the archetypal Guardian-reader ever did start running British schools they’d be run precisely according to “some watery code of responsible citizenship drawn up by a committee of civil servants.” Does she actually read the paper she idolises?
And when you put that together with the make-do-with-Jesus stuff… well, sorry, at this stage we’ve just lost the will to live on this piece of incoherent garbage.
Now, we would never want to come between a mother and her child. But if Charlotte Simpson really wants her daughter to learn some civilised values, she should teach her that of all Britain’s mainstream newspapers the Guardian is the last one she’s going to be able to learn them from.
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